All pregnant women have found themselves victims of Crimes against Pregnancy. While you may not have known about this particular title, you know exactly what I am talking about. Pregnancy changes alot of things. You expect wild mood swings, weight gain, morning sickness, strange cravings, and what feels like a wild animal dancing in your stomach because these side effects are well documented. However, you soon learn that there are several things you weren't warned about.
No one told you that for the next nine months strange people would walk up to you, touch your belly, and say horrible words like "placenta," "episiodemy," "cervix," and, my personal favorite, "vagina." Words that you have gone your entire life without hearing in regular conversation are suddenly everywhere you turn. Not to mention all those strange hands touching your stomach. Why does a baby belly suddenly mean that all rules of polite society no longer apply? Once, when a stranger put her hand on my stomach I put mine on hers. She got very offended. Why? Did she not just do that to me? It only seemed fair. These, however, are not the worst of the crimes against pregnancy. The worst are committed by, brace yourself, women who have themselves been pregnant.
What is their crime you ask? They are the teller of horror stories. The authors of all nightmares I have during pregnancy. The reason why I hesitate when asked which hospital I am having my child at. Why? Because it doesn't matter which hospital I say, they always know someone who's epidural wore off in the middle of their C-Section, someone who died during childbirth, or someone who was forced to give birth in a janitorial closet. They can tell you everything that could possibly go wrong during child birth and every nightmarish thing that could happen after you bring baby home. They are why the world Colic will forever strike fear into my heart. They are sure that your child birth experience is going to be terrible and once you get home, you are going to fall apart due to lack of sleep. The negativity is stunning. Like I don't have enough to worry about without this too. Please ladies, BACK OFF. Is this hazing? Part of my initiation into the world of mommy hood? There are certain women who I hide when I see coming because that's all we are allowed to talk about when I am pregnant. How my life is going to come crashing down around me. When Kyden turned out to be incredible easy and amazing they said "Well don't have another one, they'll be just the opposite." Now that I am pregnant again, you should hear the stories they enjoy telling. My blood is boiling just typing this. So clearly you see this is a sore spot for me.
I just found out that I unintentionally committed this crime. :( Let me explain. 2 days after I had Kyden a friend asked me about my C-section. I was trying to decide how to describe it and I decided to use the description given to me during the surgery by the Dr. This friend is very tough and all about natural child birth. She had her child completely natural (no pain meds) 2 hours after I had Ky. I never thought she would ever have a C-Section. I told her it really wasn't bad, but that there was alot of pressure. She asked how much. I remembered my Doc saying it would feel like a 300 lb gorilla jumping on your torso so I stuck with that. But, I said again, not really bad though because it doesn't hurt. Well, fast forward 15 months later and my friend has just learned that due to complications she will be having her next child by C-section the next month. I assured her that it would be easier than natural child birth and not a big deal at all. I forgot about the gorilla comment a year earlier. She didn't.
Yesterday we were talking about her experience and she said it wasn't at all like you described it. She said "I was lying on operating table looking at my Dr. (who was a tiny little woman) and wondering how she was going to make it feel like a 300 lb gorilla was jumping on me." I felt about the size of a fly. What? Thanks to me, my friend spent her entire C-Section waiting for a giant gorilla to jump out of a closet somewhere and jump on her!! Mentally, funny. I have always wanted to see a gorilla in scrubs. However, a gorilla in scrubs jumping on my stomach, not so much fun.
I felt horrible. Suddenly, I hate myself. She forgives me. But still, I did the one thing that makes me the most angry. So now I don't complain when I fall prey to crimes against pregnancy, because I am just paying for my crime. However, I am now resolved to never say anything negative about child birth, unless it makes someone laugh.
By the way, in regards to a C-Section.... That is what I am having this time too, because they really aren't a big deal. There is no pain, there is pressure, but not bad. NOTHING TO FEAR!! Don't let all the horror stories scare you. There are no 300lb gorillas lurking in labor and delivery surgical rooms.
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